Transcript Below
‘Beware the knight in shining armour. You found him… it felt like love at first sight. You were charmed by his presence, intoxicated by his smile. The chemistry was hot, and you may have even started to dream of a beautiful life together. And then you start to notice the red flags…
- All he ever talks about is how great his business is going – he rarely asks about you
- He’s hardly reliable and often cancels plans at the last minute
- He drinks everyone under the table
- He’s not the most attentive lover
- And when you share your deepest feelings with him, he looks at you perplexed and asks… ‘are you are sick’?
Tragically, that was a true story for me…
— I’m picking on men here, but the truth is, women have their own version of it too and what I want to say is just as relevant to all sexes.
So often, our ‘knight in shining armour’ — built for the hookup battlefield — is too emotionally invulnerable to really meet us on an intimate level. Sure, inside there somewhere is a human being, however, unless they are willing to shed that armour and open up, you may as well just be in love with their metal suit.
I work as a Dating and Attraction Coach, helping men and women to navigate dating and relationships with more smarts, clarity and insight.
And today I want to talk to you about what I would suggest, could be the biggest decision of your life — choosing a life partner to have children with.
Choose the wrong job – hey people do that all the time – get another one.
Choose the wrong house and two years later you can move.
Hey, rent the wrong house you can move in two months!
But choose the wrong partner, and then have kids with them, and well … even with a divorcé, you’re going to have to deal with that person … pretty much forever.
Yet, so often, people waste years on a relationship based on the hope and fantasy that one day this person will change into the person they want them to be.
In the meantime, they over-invest, giving their time, emotions, energy and intimacy to this person, despite the fact that the actual relationship yields little return.
And in contrast to what we are told in fairy tales… sometimes love just isn’t enough.
The truth is — we can fall in love with all kinds of people — yet some of them, realistically just won’t be compatible with the life we want to create for ourselves.
With that in mind, it’s important to recognise that – like it or not – dating is an evaluation process.
It’s an opportunity for us to get to know someone and then decide how far we want to go with them – how much of our lives and valuable time we want to invest. All the while taking note of how willing they are to invest in a life with us in return.
And to be really clear, this evaluation process often takes more than just a date or two. In fact, it needs to continue all the way up until you choose to have kids together because, after that point, you’re locked in for life.
Yet most people put more thought into choosing a car they are going to drive for only a few years – when a relationship can last 10, 20, even 30+ years.
Seriously!!
When we’re looking at buying a car, there is a lot to consider…
Often we will start by looking at our budget – what we are willing to invest at this stage of our lives? How much time do we expect to be with it? Is it a long-term or temporary investment?
If it’s a used car, we’ll also want to know a bit about its history – does it have a good track record? Is it safe and reliable? Does it have any ongoing issues?
And why did the previous owners get rid of it?
Then we’ll often take it for a test drive to see how it responds to us as a driver…
And if we are really doing our homework, we will also find other options to compare it with – maybe even take those out for a test drive too…
That’s how we buy cars.
Guess how often people use even half of this evaluative process to choose a partner?
Would you find it weird thinking about relationships in this way? Is the romantic in you cringing at the thought?
Yet this kind of strategy could potentially save us from a LOT of heartbreak.
By the way, I am a romantic at heart and I’m not talking about stepping away from romance altogether, in fact by becoming more conscious in our decision-making process I believe we are actually protecting the romance.
The thing is… people often choose a partner without even stopping to make a decision.
When I ask clients ‘how did you end up with the father of your children?’ I hear things like, ‘Well we were dating, then the lease on his apartment came up … so we moved in together to save some money and then boom, three years later here we are with a kid.’
The reality is, not making a considered decision often becomes a decision in itself.
The fact that most people do not really consciously choose their partner is a reality that pervades our culture.
So perhaps it is time to upgrade our strategy…
We all have our own ways of doing things … strategies … default habits and actions we use to negotiate life on a daily basis. Conscious or, more often, unconscious.
Yet how often do we stop to check our strategies?
Sometimes we are unconsciously running strategies that are actually in conflict with our desired outcome.
We might think we are running a ‘get love strategy’ when really what, we’re running is a ‘keep my heart safe’ strategy.
This results in us taking completely different actions and often leaves us confused as to why we can’t seem to attract the right person.
We might paint our face with makeup and dress to the nines in an attempt to appear ‘flawlesss’ – Just like the knight in shining armour. However, so often this becomes a mask we hide behind… because to make a true connection, we need to be willing to get a little more vulnerable.
Sadly, what I see so often, particularly amongst my generation, is people playing the dating game far too cool, glorifying the ‘poker face’ for fear of being labelled a ‘crazy bitch’ or a ‘needy guy’.
And so we literally filter ourselves as much as our Instagram feed, dealing ourselves out of a real connection.
I’ll give you another example of a strategy… A couple of years ago I had a lightbulb moment about the way in which I was approaching dating…
In a nutshell, I realised how the men I was attracted to rarely came over to ask me out, and that the men who did demonstrate attraction towards me were often guys I just wanted to be friends with. Can you relate?
My strategy back then was, when I saw an attractive man… I’d do what came naturally, and ignore him, hoping in vain that he might come over and talk to me. On the rare occasions when he did, I played it very cool and coy, flaunting my poker face like I had no interest in ever having a man to hold me through the night.
On a surface level, it was a resistance to the over-sexualisation of women in our culture and not wanting to be seen as “easy” or “desperate”. On a deeper level, it’s actually a fear of rejection, sprinkled with not wanting to attract unwanted attention from men.
And here was the fallacy of my own strategy – by NOT demonstrating any signals of attraction to the men I was interested in, the ones who approached me anyway, generally turned out to be a bit crazy – but not in the sort of way I wanted to date.
After all, what {high quality} man in their right mind would approach a woman who provides them with absolutely no signals of interest in them?
This insight was liberating and so I made a commitment to myself — to drop the poker face.
One night, not long after having this revelation, I was headed home on the 86 tram.
At some point, this gorgeous man hopped on with tousled ringlets, hazel eyes and a chiselled jawline rocking a brown leather jacket and jeans. He got my attention…
And so I threw him a curious look… once… twice… (apparently, men need more than one signal to break the ice) and then the third time we cracked a smile and finally, he came over to speak to me – just before my stop.
Willing to give this guy a go, I gave him my card before jumping off.
I’ve been romantically evaluating this man for 15 months now and I’ve been grateful to discover that this man doesn’t wear a lot of armour.
I feel safe to open my heart to him because I’ve seen him show up for me consistently in so many different situations – he’s genuine, reliable, present, and when I share my deepest feelings with him, he holds me close and listens.
This is the beauty of approaching dating as an evaluation process – it protects us from unnecessary heartbreak, because we’re moving more slowly and consciously… and looking to see our partner is just as invested and excited about the relationship as we are – because there’s no use in chasing a fantasy.
So if you’re sitting here tonight, committed to finding real love,
How can you put this into action?
We have to become comfortable with being single and avoid falling into relationships out of sheer loneliness.
We need to be in touch with our vision of what a beautiful relationship looks like – so that it’s clear when a potential partner is contributing or taking away from the enjoyment of our life
And we have to be willing to walk away from relationships that aren’t nourishing.
So, will you take ownership of making this big decision?
And will you commit to heeding the warning signs even if a guy looks great on paper, or has “potential”?
Doing so can be the difference between a rough ride and a happily ever after.
After all, life is too short to play things too cool.
Thank you.’